Managing Anger–What is Emotional Intelligence?

Emotional intelligence is a set of skills that, when used together, increase the ability a person with problems controlling anger has to decrease stress and reduce anger.  Emotional intelligence improves the person’s social functioning.  It is an awareness of the emotions, emotional triggers, emotional cues and emotional behaviors of one’s self and others.  Learning to monitor these in one’s self increases the ability to have self-control over emotional behaviors.  Learning to monitor these in others improves interactions, relationships and one’s ability to function more appropriately when dealing with others.

Emotional intelligence can be thought of as a sort of IQ of the whole person.  Rather than just a measure of intellectual ability (IQ), emotional intelligence (EQ) takes into account the emotional and social functioning of an individual and, in doing so, gives a more holistic view of how well a person functions.  Emotional intelligence complements the intellect and helps a person make better, more informed decisions and to have better social judgment.

Emotional intelligence works in 4 areas to improve how well a person functions.  These are:

• Self-awareness
• Self-management
• Social awareness, and
• Relationship Management

Individuals in anger management classes will create and work with an emotional intelligence map (an EQ Map) that evaluates these areas of functioning.  Additionally, the EQ Map will evaluate their current environment and what stressors are presently affecting their lives.  It will also identify their coping skills as well as influential personal values and beliefs that affect coping and behavior.  In examining these things, people who have trouble controlling their anger will develop a better understanding of how stress, values, beliefs and their usual coping skills contribute to their anger management problems.  This information can then be used to better understand their social functioning and what problems occur in interactions to create an anger management problem.  As well, this information can highlight what emotionally intelligent skills are missing and should be learned to increase self-control and social functioning.  The EQ Map will help identify the individualized and specific set of skills a person with anger management problems will need to learn and practice.

Emotional intelligence empowers a person to manage emotions, behavior, interactions and relationships.  The uses of emotional intelligence decreases distress and stress.  Additionally, learning emotionally intelligent skills in anger management classes can not only dramatically improve behavior and performance in what are commonly thought of as social relationships, but also in the workplace and community at large.  Overall functioning improves as emotional intelligence and social functioning improve.  The skills are teachable and learnable.  Better self-control requires only the willingness to learn and to practice these valuable skills.

For Anger Management & Domestic Violence – BIPP Classes in Houston, TX call 281-477-9105 and/or send an email to gregory@emote-institute.com.

Gregory Kyles, LPC
Anger Management & Domestic Violence Institute
http://www.ami-tx.com
http://www.dvi-tx.com
http://www.emote-institute.com
http://www.gregorykyles.wordpress.com

Anger Management Issues vs. Domestic Violence Issues

Anger management interventions are often mistakenly recommended, or even court-ordered, for individuals who perpetrate domestic violence. This is, in the vast majority of cases, not an appropriate referral and not appropriate treatment for perpetrators of domestic violence. There are significant differences between an individual with chronic anger management problems and an individual who is aggressive with an intimate partner. People who engage in partner abuse are exerting power and control over the partner. In most cases, the behaviors seen in domestic violence situations do not generalize to persons outside that relationship.

Perpetrators of partner abuse will typically be aggressive with each intimate partner once the cycle of partner abuse has begun and so many will have serial abusive relationships with intimate partners. Anger management classes do not address the specifics of battering and other forms of domestic violence although, superficially, anger management may address certain similar issues. For example, many of the thinking patterns and behaviors seen in individuals with anger management problems will also be present in those who are involved in domestic violence perpetration; however, there are significant differences in the dynamics.

One of the reasons batterers, or perpetrators of domestic violence, continue partner abuse is that they do not obtain the proper treatment. Referral to anger management instead of to domestic violence offender treatment, or batterers’ intervention programs, fails to provide the batterer with the awareness and skills needed to break the cycle of intimate partner abuse. Further, referral to anger management can, in fact, give a batterer justification for continuing violence against a partner. This occurs when the concept of ‘out of control’ anger is used to justify behaviors of domestic violence that are choices for the batterer.

Perpetrators of domestic violence will often excuse their own behavior by saying they were ‘out of control’ or ‘blacked out in a rage’; however, these individuals demonstrate great control over their behaviors in many ways. For example, most perpetrators of domestic violence will be able to assume ‘cool, calm and collected’ demeanors if others such as the police intervene. If the individual were truly ‘out of control’ his anger would shift from his partner/victim to the police when they appear.

Domestic violence is about the choice to have and demonstrate power and control over one’s intimate partner. Anger problems involve impulsivity, poor stress management and chronic feelings of various degrees of anger. An individual with anger management issues will typically not be able to discriminate about when and where anger occurs. Additionally, someone with anger management issues will not consistently choose who is the target of anger but will likely have anger toward multiple people for multiple ‘reasons’. Domestic violence, on the other hand, typically occurs behind closed doors and has a specific and intended victim. Anger management problems, conversely, are evident wherever the individual goes.

For Anger Management & Domestic Violence (BIPP) Classes in Houston, TX call 281-477-9105 and/or send an email to gregory@emote-institute.com.

Gregory Kyles, LPC
Anger Management & Domestic Violence Institute
http://www.ami-tx.com
http://www.dvi-tx.com
http://www.emote-institute.com
http://www.gregorykyles.wordpress.com

What Is Emotional Abuse – The Effects Of Abuse

Mention abuse or abusive behavior to most people and they will automatically think about violence, such as wife beater crime that they see on television.  They will conjure up an image in their head of a man who beats his wife and possibly his children being led away by the police in handcuffs.  However, domestic abuse takes many forms, including emotional abuse which can be just as damaging and leave the same scars on the victims.

Emotional abuse can take many forms.  Both men and women are equally liable for emotional abuse in a relationship.  In most cases, this form of abuse is not relegated strictly between the spouses in a family situation, but also on children.  Emotional abuse differs from verbal abuse as it is more subtle.  Where we may see verbal abuse as name calling and loud tirades of screaming, emotional abuse can be something as subtle as constantly putting someone down for any efforts that they make.

Anyone can be a victim of emotional abuse.  The tricky thing about this form of abuse is that technically it is not a crime.  While batterers will face a criminal charge for attacking others with violence, emotional abuse is something that usually occurs for the length of the relationship.  Emotional abuse from a parent to a child can even follow them into adulthood.

One form of emotional abuse that is not often discussed is a parent who continually looks for shortcomings in their child.  A child may strive desperately to please their parent or parents in their endeavors, only to be cut to the quick when the parent rejects their efforts.  Those who perpetrate emotional abuse usually have a very low self esteem and are people who although may appear congenial to others, are difficult to please by those around them.  A child who grows up with emotional abuse will typically have a very low self esteem that will make them act out in various ways.  They may seek to gain emotional fulfillment by looking for it through others, often not in healthy ways.

Abuse is all about control.  This goes for sexual abuse, violence, spiritual abuse as well as emotional abuse.  Those who perpetrate any form of abuse are usually seeking to control another person through their behavior.  Some of the abusive behavior is evident and can be spotted and even prosecuted as a crime.  However, in the case of emotional abuse, the crime is hidden.  Many children who are the victims of emotional abuse by their parents never even realize the extent of the abuse until long into adulthood .  In many cases, children who are victims of emotional abuse will perpetrate the same abuse onto their own children, often without even realizing that they are doing this.

For Anger Management & Domestic Violence (BIPP) Classes in Houston, TX call 281-477-9105 and/or send an email to gregory@emote-institute.com.

Gregory Kyles, LPC
Anger Management & Domestic Violence Institute
http://www.ami-tx.com
http://www.dvi-tx.com
http://www.emote-institute.com
http://www.gregorykyles.wordpress.com

 

Aggression, Anger Management and Domestic Violence

Aggression is a behavior that harms, or seeks to harm, someone. It also is behavior that does or attempts to do property damage. Aggression includes mental, emotional and psychological abuse as well as violence such as physical assault, vandalism and other destruction of property (even one’s own). Other aggression can also be reckless and endangering behaviors such as driving recklessly, the reckless handling of firearms or other behavior that could potentially harm another person or property. Reckless and endangering behavior conveys a strong message that the safety of others (and their property) is not important. Furthermore, reckless and endangering behaviors ‘say’ that if others are harmed or there is property loss that is not important. Verbal abuse—the use of words to coerce, threaten, intimidate or humiliate another person, is also considered to be aggressive behavior.

Stalking through physical presence or by technological means such as phone calls, text messaging, and emails is also aggressive behavior.
It is a myth that anger leads to aggression or that aggression is a natural expression of anger. Many erroneously believe that the emotion of anger will, over time, build to the point that anger will be expressed through aggression. There are some individuals who go very quickly and habitually to aggressive behavior whenever the emotion of anger is felt and for these people, aggression naturally flows from their experience of the emotion anger. Many individuals with anger management problems never use aggression but benefit significantly from the skills and techniques taught in anger management classes. Anger without physical aggression is still an anger management problem.

Another form of aggression is used by individuals who engage in intimate partner abuse. This type of aggression stems from a choice to exert dominance over the intimate partner. In these situations aggression can be done without the buildup of emotion as is seen in people with anger management problems. Although a batterer of intimate partners, if observed during aggression, may use the same behaviors as those who express anger through aggression, battering is not typically an issue of anger management.

Domestic violence has its roots in very different dynamics than does aggression that is the result of unmanaged anger. Very specifically, domestic violence stems from beliefs and attitudes about intimate relationships and the need for dominance, power and control over partners that are considered ‘less than’ the aggressor in worth and status. Management of battering requires treatment that is significantly different than treatment for anger management. The issues of interpersonal power and control dynamics within intimate relationships must be addressed and corrected. Anger management, on the other hand, addresses the ineffective and, at times, dangerous mishandling of strong emotion.

People with anger management problems can learn to use techniques that prevent aggression. Anger management involves the controlling of anger escalation so that aggression does not occur in those who escalate emotionally to such behavior. In contrast, domestic violence treatment focuses upon the beliefs and attitudes about intimate relationships and partners that make partner abuse and aggression an option or choice.

Anger Management & Domestic Violence (BIPP) Classes in Houston, TX

Gregory Kyles, LPC, CAMF
Anger Management & Domestic Violence Institute
http://www.ami-tx.com
http://www.dvi-tx.com
http://www.emote-institute.com
www.gregorykyles.wordpress.com

Domestic Violence Costs $8.3 Billion Annually

from Forbes

Today domestic violence is known as a social, business and health priority in addition to being a criminal issue. Not only does it cause personal suffering, but domestic violence also reduces productivity, leads to absenteeism and drives up health care costs. And unless people are trained to look for it and ask about it, domestic violence is rarely identified.

Full Article:  http://tiny.cc/o81gey

Gregory A. Kyles, LPC, CEAP, PHR, CAMF
Anger Management & Domestic Violence Institute of Texas
www.ami-tx.com
www.dvi-tx.com
www.gregorykyles.wordpress.com

Thinking Distortions in Anger Management Problems

anger 13For people with anger management problems, patterns of thinking are key in building and maintaining high levels of stress and anger.  Patterns of thinking also trigger and ‘validate’ the angry person’s choice of behaviors used to express anger.  For people who have difficulty with stress management, stating their needs directly, confusing anger with assertiveness and managing their emotions and emotional behavior, examining their patterns of thinking helps a great deal.

Thinking distortions–sometimes called thinking errors or thinking mistakes–are ways of thinking that support and fuel anger problems.  These patterns of thinking are learned and can be unlearned.  Anger management classes can help people with thinking distortions learn more effective ways of thinking that will reduce anger levels and eliminate problem behaviors.  This happens as anger management classes focus on building skills that increase emotional intelligence or how one will understand, use, manage and express emotion.

Thoughts and emotions are inseparable.  Thinking patterns trigger how we will emotionally respond to people, situations and events. Since thoughts are directly related to emotions and since anger is first and foremost an emotion, patterns of thinking are the basic building blocks of anger management problems.
 
Some of the common thinking errors that lead to problem behaviors and anger management issues are:

• Making excuses for one’s behavior
• Blaming others
• Justifying one’s actions
• Re-defining issues and problems to avoid focusing on one’s own responsibility and to put the focus on something or someone else
• Using super-optimism to convince yourself that, despite your behavior, things will go your way
• Lying by stating an untruth (commission); leaving out pertinent facts (omission) or by pretending to agree when you do not (assent)
• Making fools of others as a way of taking the focus of yourself
• Building up to dramatic behavior by accumulating ‘evidence’ that you should
• Assuming what others are thinking, feeling or are motivated by without asking them
• Ingratiating—‘sucking up’ to others to get your way, take the ‘heat’ off you
• Minimizing the importance of an issue or your own behavior
• Using power plays to manipulate others
• Playing the victim to ‘turn the tables’, get sympathy rather than be held accountable
• Creating drama to confuse the situation, exert dominance and control
• Not taking ownership of responsibility for your behavior, your part in the problem or the solution that is needed
• Maintaining and image that is important to you rather than dealing with real issues and feelings at hand

Anger management classes will help you identify the thinking patterns that you use and understand how they contribute to chronic feelings of anger and acting out behaviors.

Anger Management Classes in Houston, Texas

For additional information about anger control skills visit www.ami-tx.com or call 713-477-9105.

Gregory A. Kyles, LPC, CEAP, PHR, CAMF
Anger Management & Domestic Violence Institute of Texas
www.ami-tx.com
www.dvi-tx.com
www.gregorykyles.wordpress.com

Pseudo-Violence

anger 9aPseudo-violence or ‘near violence’ are the behaviors that threaten, menace and seek to control others without actual physical, ‘hands-on’ aggression.  These types of behaviors seriously impact others and are forms of emotional, psychological and mental abuse.  People with anger management problems often attempt to be controlling of others through intimidation, menacing and other nonverbal threats such as:

  • Posturing in an intimidating way; using body size and presence to communicate “I’m in charge” or “I may hurt you”.  “Getting the message across” by getting too close to others, standing over others, etc.
  • Using forceful gestures such as jabbing, pounding, waving hands, pointing, clenching fists
  • Forcefully handling objects
  • Using facial expressions to communicate anger—rolling eyes, ‘smirking’, staring, clenching teeth, widening eyes
  • Driving recklessly
  • Using body movements such as pacing, moving rapidly, ‘circling’, tapping, bouncing leg, etc.
  • Using defensive body language such as crossing one’s arms, turning one’s back, shaking the head, refusing eye contact, holding up a hand to ‘stop’ the other
  •  ‘Accidently’ bumping into others, dropping things to break them, knocking things over
  • Stalking—appearing unexpectedly, following others in their daily routines, driving by their homes or in their neighborhoods in order to be seen

Such behaviors strongly communicate anger and are forms of manipulation, menacing, and intimidation. They are intended to induce fear.  They are also used to exert dominance and gain control over others and/or situations nonverbally.  While such displays of anger do not use words, they still powerfully communicate anger and threat to whoever is present.  The angry person displays such behavior while focusing upon having others witness it and respond submissively or in fear.

Anger can become obsessive as in stalking behaviors in which the angry person becomes preoccupied with the target of the anger.  Anger can also have other obsessive qualities that do not result in such extreme behavior.  Having thoughts that cannot ‘let go’ of the notion that others have wronged you, need to ‘be taught a lesson’; ‘won’t get away with that’ or other such triggers to a desire for revenge or retaliation are also obsessive.  The amount of time spent in such thoughts can interfere with other activities and eventually can lead to dysfunctional behavior such as outbursts and other confrontations, as well as self-sabotaging and self-destructive behaviors in the workplace and in significant relationships.  The thoughts that preoccupy us will determine behavior.  Frequent anger-related thoughts are a strong indication of anger management problems and a need for an anger management assessment.

Anger Management Classes in Houston, Texas

For additional information about anger control skills visit www.ami-tx.com or call 713-477-9105.

Gregory A. Kyles, LPC, CEAP, PHR, CAMF
Anger Management & Domestic Violence Institute of Texas
www.ami-tx.com
www.dvi-tx.com
www.gregorykyles.wordpress.com