Understanding Your Own Anger Management Problem

An anger problem is one that hurts you and/or someone else.  The consequences of an anger control problem can be as various and individualized as people themselves.  Some consequences of an anger control problem are broken relationships, social isolation, loss of employment, physical harm to self or others, commission of crimes, incarceration, property damage, property loss, loss of reputation, loss of self-esteem and self-respect, and the loss of hopes and dreams.  Each person in an anger management class will have their own stories of how anger has damaged their lives.

While anger is an emotional state, it can take many forms that vary in the intensity of how it is felt and how it is expressed.  Both the emotion of anger and angry behaviors can be mild, moderate or severe.  We commonly recognize the various intensities of anger in the language we use every day– irritated, upset, mad, angry, livid, furious, enraged and so on.

Whatever the intensity of anger, each of these ‘levels’ of the emotion will carry with them the same physiological and biological changes that occur in the body during an episode of anger.  These bodily changes are the foundation for anger of any type:  increased heart rate, increased blood pressure and increased levels of adrenalin and other hormones.  Meant to assist us in emergencies, these biological and physiological processes, over time, can tax the body, creating yet other types of problems for people with anger management problems. Health issues are not uncommon for people who live with frequent or chronic anger.

Whether anger comes in bouts or is chronic, whether is it mild or severe, how frequently it comes, what is done with it when it comes and what the consequences of anger are for you are some of the questions you will answer in anger management classes. Further, learning your own personal triggers—the internal or external events that trigger anger and how your body feels (bodily cues) when anger is triggered and escalating is essential as you learn to have greater self-control.

Very quickly, the participant in anger management classes will find that much of what will bring greater self-control is greater self-awareness.  Examining your own patterns, triggers, cues and behaviors will create your own individualized picture of how anger and angry behaviors have become problematic in your life.  While each ‘picture’ of anger control problems is unique, the underlying dynamics of gaining greater self-control are not.  There are principles of anger management that work across the board, helping people with various ‘personal profiles’.  Anger management classes will give you an opportunity to learn about yourself in detail as you create your own ‘profile’ by using techniques and tools provided by your anger management specialist.  With increased awareness and increased knowledge comes greater self-control, the ultimate goal of anger management.

For Anger Management Classes and Battering Intervention and Prevention Program – BIPP Classes in Houston, TX call 281-477-9105 and/or send an email to gregory.kyles@gmail.com.

Gregory Kyles, LPC
Anger Management & Domestic Violence Institute
http://www.ami-tx.com
http://www.dvi-tx.com
http://www.emote-institute.com
http://www.gregorykyles.wordpress.com

Domestic Abuse – What Is Abuse?

Many people think that domestic abuse is strictly between a husband and wife or two people who are co-habiting with one another.  This is not the case when it comes to domestic abuse.  By most laws, anyone who is in a relationship, regardless of whether they are living together or not, can be a perpetrator or victim of this crime.

Another assumption people make about domestic abuse is that it is between adults only.  The stereotype of the typical wife beater is an example.  A man who comes home and hits his wife is usually termed a wife beater.  When people think about domestic abuse, they often envision this type of scenario.  Very often, domestic abuse encompasses the entire family.  This often includes child abuse where one or both of the parents also take out their rage on the children who become victims of this crime.  There are cases where both partners abuse the children or where one of the partners inflicts child abuse.

Domestic abuse does not always take the form of physical abuse.  It is important for people to realize that abuse takes many forms and is not always domestic violence.  Emotional abuse, sexual abuse and verbal abuse are also part of this type of behavior.  This type of abuse is also often inflicted on children in a relationship in which one or both of the partners are abusive.

All forms of domestic abuse is considered to be a crime.  Emotional abuse can be just as damaging to the victim as physical abuse, but often goes unreported.  This is particularly true in the case where this type of domestic abuse is perpetrated against children.  Sexual abuse is often stigmatized by abuse against children, although this form of abuse is often perpetrated by one adult against another in a relationship.

According to statistics, most of those who are arrested for domestic abuse are men.  The most common form of domestic abuse is domestic violence by a boyfriend or husband against a woman.  Second comes child abuse, again most often perpetrated by men against children in a relationship, most often not their own biological children.  Sexual abuse is third and again is a crime in which the perpetrators are overwhelmingly male.  These statistics are based upon reports.  However, it is also true that most cases of domestic abuse or violence against a man from a female partner go unreported as men are less likely to report these instances to the police.

There is help for those who are perpetrators of domestic abuse.  The help comes from a prevention program that deals with abusive behavior.  Most people who are abusive have grown up with this type of behavior in which they, themselves, where victims of domestic abuse as children and simply are continuing a cycle that will be passed on to their own children.  With a proper battering intervention program, however, this violent and abusive cycle can be broken.

For Anger Management Classes and Battering Intervention and Prevention Program – BIPP Classes in Houston, TX call 281-477-9105 and/or send an email to gregory.kyles@gmail.com.

Gregory Kyles, LPC
Anger Management & Domestic Violence Institute
http://www.ami-tx.com
http://www.dvi-tx.com
http://www.emote-institute.com
http://www.gregorykyles.wordpress.com

Anger Problems–The Tip of the Iceberg

The emotion of anger is only the ‘tip of the iceberg’ for people with anger management problems.  Typically, other emotions cause difficulty for these people as well.

Many with anger problems are not as aware of other emotions as they are of anger.  Additionally, people who have trouble controlling and often try to avoid feeling other emotions that are perceived as more painful.  They often seek to suppress other emotions and not let them be known to others.  This can happen for a variety of reasons.  Some believe that other emotions such as grief, sadness and fear will be so overwhelming that they will not be able to cope with them.  Others have come to believe that certain emotions are signs of weakness or ‘breaking down’ and so efforts are made to avoid or suppress them.  Additionally, there are many cultural reasons that individuals avoid certain feelings.  Many of these have to do with the roles of men and women in our society. “Big boys don’t cry” is an example of how men have been affected by traditional messages.  “Kindness is weakness” is another.  There are more that support the notion that “being strong equals being angry or aggressive” and showing other emotions such as sadness, compassion, grief or fear is a sign of inferiority or weakness.

Many people who have trouble controlling their anger simply have a limited awareness of emotional states.  Their limited awareness prevents them from identifying the body’s signals and cues that alert us to the nature of various emotions.  It also causes misinterpretation of others’ emotional cues.  Anger management classes that teach emotional intelligence will increase awareness of emotions and the body’s cues that accompany them.

As awareness of the emotional experience grows, people with problematic anger will typically widen their awareness to include many other emotions that are related to and often underlie or support their anger.

Anger is considered to be the tip of an emotional iceberg for many.  As with icebergs in nature, the vast majority of it is submerged.  Looking deeper, with skills that improve self-awareness, people who have trouble controlling anger will find a body of other emotional sates that can trigger anger and angry behaviors.  Learning to identify these other emotions, to tolerate them and manage them successfully, will typically reduce anger and enhance anger management efforts as well.

Below is a list of other emotions that people in anger management classes have identified as directly related to their anger management problems:
• Fear
• Sadness
• Grief
• Loneliness
• Being overwhelmed
• Helplessness
• Hopelessness
• Anxiety
• Panic
• Despair
• Depression
• Feeling rejected
• Feeling abandoned
• Feeling betrayed
• Feeling

For Anger Management Classes and Battering Intervention and Prevention Program – BIPP Classes in Houston, TX call 281-477-9105 and/or send an email to gregory.kyles@gmail.com.

Gregory Kyles, LPC
Anger Management & Domestic Violence Institute
http://www.ami-tx.com
http://www.dvi-tx.com
http://www.emote-institute.com
http://www.gregorykyles.wordpress.com

 

Signs of Child Abuse

There are not always obvious signs of child abuse that are apparent to other adults.  In many cases, those who are inflicting child abuse on their children will involve the child in making up lies as to the regard of injuries or hit the child in such a way so that the injuries are not apparent.  Teacher and other authorities have a duty to report signs of child abuse to state officials for investigation.

Not all signs of child abuse are evident by marks and bruises.  In some cases, the child abuse may be sexual abuse as well as violence. One of the signs of this form of child abuse is a child being overly withdrawn.  Children who are the victims of abuse typically have a very low self esteem and will not mix in well with other children.  As they get older, they learn to hide the abuse and will often go to great lengths to avoid being caught.  When it comes to sexual abuse, children often feel not only out of control when it comes to the situation, but also feel as though that the abuse is somehow their fault.  They may view the sexual abuse as normal behavior if it has gone on for a long period of time and will usually cover up for the parent who is inflicting the abuse.  Often, the child will try to appease the abuser more than the other parent and will be warned not to tell anyone about the secret that they have to conceal.

As a child gets older, signs of child abuse can be more evident.  They may be hesitant about taking certain classes in school where they have to reveal bruises.  They may cover up bruises by wearing clothing so that they can hide the abuse.  They may act out their total lack of control that they feel over their own environment by inflicting the same abuse on other students.  Girls who are the victims of sexual abuse usually behave in an inappropriate fashion and may behave in a sexually provocative manner, even as children.  Girls often become promiscuous at an early age when they are the victims of sexual abuse or child abuse.

Teachers and caregivers should not only look for unexplained bruises when they suspect child abuse, but also at the behavior of a child.  While some children are naturally a bit withdrawn, a child who is the frequent target of bullies at school and who does not fight back can be one who is used to child abuse and internalizes everything.  A child who appears to know too much about sex for a child of their age can be the victim of sexual abuse.  Children who show a complete lack of empathy for others are often the victims of child abuse as well.  There are many signs of child abuse to look for that do not always include the obvious signs of a beating.

For Anger Management Classes and Battering Intervention and Prevention Program – BIPP Classes in Houston, TX call 281-477-9105 and/or send an email to gregory.kyles@gmail.com.

Gregory Kyles, LPC
Anger Management & Domestic Violence Institute
http://www.ami-tx.com
http://www.dvi-tx.com
http://www.emote-institute.com
http://www.gregorykyles.wordpress.com

What Are The Causes of Spousal Abuse ?

There are a great many people who will tell you that the cause of spousal abuse is due to a substance problem that the battering partner suffers from. Many women who live with a wife beater will be quick to defend them saying that they are a completely different person when they are not drinking.  This is not the case.  Drinking and drugs does not cause spousal abuse.   Abuse is all about control.  The alcohol or drugs may aid in loosening the control that the batterers feel, but the underlying problem is not in the alcohol or drugs.  If this were the case, no one sober would ever abuse their spouse and everyone who had a drink would become a wife beater.

The causes of spousal abuse are usually found in childhood.  There are traumas, such as child abuse, that can cause someone to seek control over their environment that includes those who are in their environment as well.  Most of the cases of spousal abuse are against women perpetrated by men.  The cause usually lies within childhood and in the way that the man was raised.  In most cases, this is a learned behavior that can be unlearned if the man enters into a battering intervention and prevention program that can help him control his own behavior.

Many women who are the victims of spousal abuse will blame themselves for the abuse that is inflicted upon them.  They tell themselves that if they can only do better, their spouse will stop the abuse.  The wife beater will typically blame the spouse for the abuse and tell her that it is her fault that he is behaving this way.

Unfortunately, in too many cases, domestic violence escalates into severe beatings and even murder.  When a woman finally has enough of the abuse, she often leaves the wife beater who might try to track her down.  Many of these cases end with the abuser not only killing his wife, but also himself.  In some cases, an abuser will also kill the children in the family as well.  Needless to say,  domestic abuse is the fault of the perpetrator of the act, not anyone else in the family nor any drug or alcohol problem.  It is a myth that drugs or alcohol are the cause of domestic violence.

Those who are perpetrators of spousal abuse need to recognize it as a crime as well as a choice in their own behavior and not blame anyone else or any substance for their actions.  Controlling this behavior and un-learning behavior that is often learned in childhood is the key to helping those who are batterers in a battering intervention and prevention program.  These programs work to address the issue itself rather than try to lay blame on substance abuse.

For Anger Management Classes and Battering Intervention and Prevention Program – BIPP Classes in Houston, TX call 281-477-9105 and/or send an email to gregory.kyles@gmail.com.

Gregory Kyles, LPC
Anger Management & Domestic Violence Institute
http://www.ami-tx.com
http://www.dvi-tx.com
http://www.emote-institute.com
http://www.gregorykyles.wordpress.com

Anger Management and Self-Control

Greater self-control is the ultimate goal of anger management classes.  Gaining self-control reduces anger levels, stress levels and the negative consequences of problematic anger and related behaviors.   Working with the concept of emotional intelligence, anger management classes will teach skills and techniques that increase self-control.

Self-control can be learned.  Building skills that enhance the awareness of emotional information in one’s self and others is a basic building block of emotional intelligence and self-control.  These skills increase the ability to be self-aware, or aware of one’s own stress levels and emotions, bodily cues that accompany stress and emotions and a wider range of options for dealing with all these.
By increasing emotional intelligence you become better equipped to recognize, understand and manage all feelings as well as the stress of daily living.  Anger becomes just one of many feelings that an increased self-awareness makes more manageable.

Self-awareness helps you become more able to monitor feelings as they occur.  Monitoring allows you to break emotional responses down to more manageable parts so that greater and more frequent control is possible.  Consequently, judgment and decision-making in daily life can be more consistent and improved overall.  Such improved coping creates a greater sense of well-being.  Improved coping in everyday life is also a product of increased self-control.

Although anger often seems to be sudden and out of conscious control, anger is the result of a series of judgments and decisions about self, others and the world.  Similarly, angry behaviors are the result of judgments and decisions as well.  By learning to monitor one’s self throughout the day, judgment and decision-making become more conscious and effective.  Coping skills in all daily functioning are enhanced by better judgment in interactions and the ability to make better decisions about how to communicate and problem-solve with others.

People who have anger management problems demonstrate poor social coping skills, ineffective stress management skills, poor self-monitoring abilities and limited self-awareness.  These deficits decrease self-control and can lead to many negative consequences.  On the other hand, working to learn and improve these is essential to  controlling problematic anger and to increasing one’s emotional intelligence.

Problematic anger can be reduced.  The skills necessary to bring problematic anger under control are available in anger management classes.  Working to increase the essential elements of self-control needed, anger management classes build skills in a manageable, step-by-step way.  Greater self-control is the ultimate goal of anger management.  It is teachable, learnable and do-able!

For Anger Management Classes and Battering Intervention and Prevention Program – BIPP Classes in Houston, TX call 281-477-9105 and/or send an email to gregory.kyles@gmail.com.

Gregory Kyles, LPC
Anger Management & Domestic Violence Institute
http://www.ami-tx.com
http://www.dvi-tx.com
http://www.emote-institute.com
http://www.gregorykyles.wordpress.com

Anger and Aggression Myths

Some popular beliefs about anger are myths.  Challenging these myths is an important aspect of learning anger management techniques and skills.  The following are some of the typical ‘anger myths’ that anger management classes can debunk.  In doing so, participants in anger management begin to better understand the nature of anger.  Consequently, with an greater understanding of what anger is and how it works, people with problematic anger can effectively manage anger and its related behaviors.  Increased knowledge of what anger is and isn’t and what aggression is and isn’t can empower people who have difficulty controlling their anger and angry behaviors.

Myths about anger and aggression:
• It’s not good to be angry.
• Anger will be eliminated if anger management classes are effective
• Anger always leads to aggression
• Anger is uncontrollable
• Others will take kindness as weakness
• Violence is always the result of anger
• It is always a good idea to vent anger
• Anger is a sign of strength
• Anger is a sign of weakness
• Anger motivates people to do well
• Anger is natural in business
• Anger is necessary in business
• If you don’t show anger others will take advantage of you
• If you don’t show anger others will harm you
• You only get angry with someone if you care about them
• People black out with anger and so it can’t be controlled
• When people black out with anger they aren’t responsible for what they do
• When people are aggressive when they are intoxicated they aren’t responsible for what they do
• If certain people didn’t use substances they wouldn’t have anger management problems
• Anger solves tough problems
• Anger just happens
• Other people make you angry
• Anger is necessary to demonstrate authority
• Anger keeps people in line
• Anger is inherited
• Domestic violence is an anger control problem
• You won’t get what you need if you don’t get angry
• Angry people are dangerous
• One should never get angry at work
• One should never be angry with parents, children or other significant others
• If you get angry with someone that means your relationship is unhealthy
• It’s better to be angry than to be sad
• Anger keeps you going when things are tough
• Sometimes you have to show them you mean business
• Men are supposed to be aggressive
• Nice women don’t get angry
• Women aren’t aggressive

For Anger Management Classes and Battering Intervention and Prevention Program – BIPP Classes in Houston, TX call 281-477-9105 and/or send an email to gregory@emote-institute.com.

Gregory Kyles, LPC
Anger Management & Domestic Violence Institute
http://www.ami-tx.com
http://www.dvi-tx.com
http://www.emote-institute.com
http://www.gregorykyles.wordpress.com

What Are The Early Signs Of A Batterer?

Domestic violence is all about control over another person.  Young men and women can learn to recognize the early signs of a batterer by the way that the man behaves.  There can also be clues in the past of the batterer that indicate whether or not he is likely to become violent towards his wife or children.

For many years, domestic violence would only rear its ugly head after a couple was married.  It was at this point when a batterer would have control over his wife and would start to exhibit this control.  It might start out small with verbal abuse and then escalate to physical violence that included sexual abuse.  In almost all case, a person will continue to commit the crime of domestic violence unless they receive the proper counseling that teaches them different behavior patterns.

Today, however, there is an increase over younger people being subjected to dating violence.  Dating violence is on the rise in high schools and even grammar schools.  Again, this usually starts with verbal abuse and then escalates to violence.  Parents should be aware of the aspect of dating violence in society so that they can spot the signs.

Early signs of someone who will be a batterer is the desire for control.  They will want to control the other person as much as possible and will usually want to spend as much time with them as possible.  Incessant telephone calls, a constant need to know where a person is all of the time can seem flattering at first for the person who is soon to be the victim of someone who is extremely controlling.  The behavior starts to affect their lives to the point where they are cutting themselves off of friends.   The typical batterer will use isolation as a form of control as well, cutting the victim off from family and friends who he sees as being interfering.

A batterer will usually choose someone who is easy to manipulate and control.  Violence at first is usually followed by an apology or even gifts with a promise never to do this again.  When the violence occurs the second time, it is usually more intense.  It continues to escalate.

Women who are dating men who are very controlling might at first find the constant attention paid to them by these men flattering at first.  However, a need to control someone else as well as their environment is an early warning sign of someone with the potential of being a batterer,  often verbal abuse and emotional abuse will take place prior to actual violence.  Once the line of violence is crossed, however, it will continue to grow until the relationship is ends.  Those who feel the need to control another individual should seek help with a battering intervention and prevention program before violence begins.

For Anger Management Classes and Battering Intervention and Prevention Program – BIPP Classes in Houston, TX call 281-477-9105 and/or send an email to gregory@emote-institute.com.

Gregory Kyles, LPC
Anger Management & Domestic Violence Institute
http://www.ami-tx.com
http://www.dvi-tx.com
http://www.emote-institute.com
http://www.gregorykyles.wordpress.com

Aggression, Anger Management and Domestic Violence

Aggression is a behavior that harms, or seeks to harm, someone.  It also is behavior that does or attempts to do property damage.  Aggression includes mental, emotional and psychological abuse as well as violence such as physical assault, vandalism and other destruction of property (even one’s own).  Other aggression can also be reckless and endangering behaviors such as driving recklessly, the reckless handling of firearms or other behavior that could potentially harm another person or property. Reckless and endangering behavior conveys a strong message that the safety of others (and their property) is not important.  Furthermore, reckless and endangering behaviors ‘say’ that if others are harmed or there is property loss that is not important.  Verbal abuse—the use of words to coerce, threaten, intimidate or humiliate another person, is also considered to be aggressive behavior.  Stalking through physical presence or by technological means such as phone calls, text messaging, and emails is also aggressive behavior.

It is a myth that anger leads to aggression or that aggression is a natural expression of anger.  Many erroneously believe that the emotion of anger will, over time, build to the point that anger will be expressed through aggression.  There are some individuals who go very quickly and habitually to aggressive behavior whenever the emotion of anger is felt and for these people, aggression naturally flows from their experience of the emotion anger.  Many individuals with anger management problems never use aggression but benefit significantly from the skills and techniques taught in anger management classes. Anger without physical aggression is still an anger management problem.

Another form of aggression is used by individuals who engage in intimate partner abuse.  This type of aggression stems from a choice to exert dominance over the intimate partner.  In these situations aggression can be done without the buildup of emotion as is seen in people with anger management problems.  Although a batterer of intimate partners, if observed during aggression, may use the same behaviors as those who express anger through aggression, battering is not typically an issue of anger management.

Domestic violence has its roots in very different dynamics than does aggression that is the result of unmanaged anger.  Very specifically, domestic violence stems from beliefs and attitudes about intimate relationships and the need for dominance, power and control over partners that are considered ‘less than’ the aggressor in worth and status.  Management of battering requires treatment that is significantly different than treatment for anger management.  The issues of interpersonal power and control dynamics within intimate relationships must be addressed and corrected.  Anger management, on the other hand, addresses the ineffective and, at times, dangerous mishandling of strong emotion.

People with anger management problems can learn to use techniques that prevent aggression.  Anger management involves the controlling of anger escalation so that aggression does not occur in those who escalate emotionally to such behavior.  In contrast, domestic violence treatment focuses upon the beliefs and attitudes about intimate relationships and partners that make partner abuse and aggression an option or choice.

For Anger Management Classes and Battering Intervention and Prevention Program – BIPP Classes in Houston, TX call 281-477-9105 and/or send an email to gregory@emote-institute.com.

Gregory Kyles, LPC
Anger Management & Domestic Violence Institute
http://www.ami-tx.com
http://www.dvi-tx.com
http://www.emote-institute.com
http://www.gregorykyles.wordpress.com

What Are The Laws Concerning Domestic Violence?

Years ago, there were no laws that regulated domestic violence.  A mans home was considered to be his castle and what he did inside that home, regardless of whether he beat his wife or kids, was his own affair.  Women who sought help for spousal abuse were often told by community members and even church clergy to endure a beating and were often blamed themselves for having brought the domestic violence on themselves.  Those who did concede that this behavior was inappropriate would often blame alcohol abuse for the problem.

Today, there are laws in every state that affect how domestic violence is handled.   They vary from county to county, although police officers are required to file a report and make an arrest in the case of any domestic violence action.  In many states, there is a cooling off period where batterers are put into jail for twenty four hours, giving others in the home to go to a shelter or another place.  The batterers are usually given a certain period of time in which they have to stay away from the victim.  A victim can receive counseling and also get a restraining order against those who perpetrate domestic violence against them.   Needless to say, the laws against domestic violence have gotten stricter as time has gone on, although many victims drop the charges against the abuser.

In most cases of domestic abuse, the police are called repeatedly to a home because of this problem.  They file a report, the batterers go to jail, get out and then the couple reconcile.  A wife beater will often blame a problem for their behavior and promise to change.  This usually does not work and the violence continues  In most cases, domestic abuse will start to escalate as time goes on.  It might not only include the spouse but also children as well.  When it comes to child abuse, authorities will remove children from any dangerous situation and place them in the care of relatives or with the state.  Teachers, scout leaders and others have an obligation to report any signs they see of child abuse to authorities so that it can be investigated.

There are laws today that protect innocent people in a family from batterers.  In many states, those who are convicted of domestic battery are ordered to undergo a battering intervention and prevention program (BIPP Classes) that teaches them to modify their behavior so that they do not continue to perpetrate violence.  These programs work when the batterers realize that the fault lies within themselves, confront their past as well as their own crime and then learn behavior modification so that they do not resort to abusive behavior in the future.

For Anger Management Classes and Battering Intervention and Prevention Program – BIPP Classes in Houston, TX call 281-477-9105 and/or send an email to gregory@emote-institute.com.

Gregory Kyles, LPC
Anger Management & Domestic Violence Institute
http://www.ami-tx.com
http://www.dvi-tx.com
http://www.emote-institute.com
http://www.gregorykyles.wordpress.com